Some Thoughts and Suggestions for the Spouse of an Addict

(God is with both of you in your struggle)

From the onset, it is important to let you know that you and your husband are both in our thoughts and prayers.

It saddens me to say that you are in the unfortunate company of countless wives who share your situation, your frustration and your pain.  Know from the onset that the thoughts, hopes and prayers of all of the Serenellians are with you and will continue to be with you and your family daily.

First, in order for you to have a better understanding of the tremendous physiological inner workings of this insidious addiction, please read the following article by Dr. Judith Reisman -

"The Psychopharmacology of Pictorial Pornography"

http://www.drjudithreisman.com/archives/brain.pdf

The very first step in overcoming this addiction is for your husband to acknowledge that he has a problem.   As long as a person is in denial, there is little else that can be done other than pray, submitting your cause to Jesus, and entrusting your marriage and family to the intercession of our Blessed Mother and the care of Saint Joseph.

The degrees of acting out for porn addicts vary across the spectrum and depend upon the individual.  These things really can't be predicted.

What you want to pray and work toward is for your husband to recognize and admit that he has a problem and has decided that he wants to do something about it, albeit imperfectly or weakly.  Pray specifically for this grace to grow in him and in you.  Only when he starts to work toward recovery, can healing in your marriage begin.

It is important to understand that in his current weakened state, you must be the stronger partner.  

Do take the opportunity to discuss your situation with your priest or pastor.  Do not try to bear this burden alone.  Remember, because of the hurt and anger his actions have caused you to feel, you are in need of counseling as well.  Please seek this help insofar as you are able.

In the event that you don't feel comfortable in speaking with your own pastor, try to set up an appointment with the pastor of another parish, even in another diocese.

Remember, there do exist in your situation the appropriate rules governing client/patient confidentiality.

For your part, do not go into denial.  This is important.

Unless it exposes you or your children to undue danger or harm, keep reminding your husband, in a calm, loving but firm manner, that his involvement with pornography is wrong, that it hurts you, that it causes a division in your marriage and family.  Yes, lay the guilt trip on him as much as realistically possible.  Tell him that no matter how much he denies it, you will not turn a blind eye to his sinfulness - because you love him and care for him.  You don't want to see him consumed and destroyed by this evil.

In short, fight all of the devil's attempts to drive a wedge between you and your husband.  Heal and reconcile the rifts as soon as they begin to form.  Don't give the devil an opportunity to play on your pain and anger either.

Depend on God and trust in Him to rescue you both and He will.

What reduces the power of lust is openness - exposure to the light.

By that I mean the more your husband is open and frank with you in admitting his weakness, his addiction, along with very frequent participation in the Sacraments and Holy Mass, the weaker sin and evil become in its influence over him.  In short, evil hates the light.  It flees from it.  The more this evil is confronted directly by honesty and a sincere, combined effort of husband and wife, the more success you will realize.

People in your husband's position are powerless to overcome this alone.

For him, surrender to God is the only way.  That means surrender through self denial.  He must work to surrender each impure and illicit desire to Christ crucified.  Surrender each impure thought to the purity of Mary.  This conscious effort of surrender, that is, deflection of satan's temptations, must become habitual and he must work hard at it with much support and encouragement from you.

As I have said, the wife in this situation must be the stronger partner, bearing much more than your rightful share of the emotional and practical burdens of a marriage that normally exist.  Remember, he is weak and needs you for support and encouragement.  Avoid negativism as much as possible and never, ever give up.  Satan will attack you both with doubt, despair and discouragement and failures, trying to make you quit.

Be aware of his tactics and counter them through prayer and a daily consecration to the Sacred Heart of Jesus.

In short, fight with all of your being both for your marriage and for the soul of your husband.

The saint in the best position to intercede for you is Saint Monica, mother of Saint Augustine.  Be faithful in sending many prayer requests, petitions and Rosaries her way and she will certainly help you.

As a very important first step, I urge you to purchase a copy of Rosemarie Scott's book, "Clean of Heart", which is available through a link on our web site.  This is a newly released work that provides a solid program of daily spiritual and practical exercises intended to help individuals overcome this addiction through rigorous prayer, self examination and deepening spirituality.

As another discretionary first step, I strongly recommend that your husband consider attending meetings of the local chapter of Sexaholics Anonymous (SA).  Contact information for SA is usually listed in the phone book, and most pastors know who to contact.  This is a very worthwhile activity that I wholly endorse even though it lacks the sacramental aspects necessary from a Catholic perspective. Being faithful to the weekly meetings and the accountability therein is very helpful, especially to the beginner, the addict who desires healing and reconciliation but does not know where to begin.

Should you consider the idea of sending your husband away for therapy, much counseling should be had before embarking on such a path.  Such therapy programs should be coordinated with pastor and employer, if possible, in the same manner as any substance addiction treatment would be handled.  Each of the program steps, activities, goals, milestones must be well planned and understood by all parties well in advance, and all under the auspices of the appropriate spiritual director.

Again, know that you, your husband and family will be in our daily thoughts and prayers.

God is with both of you in your struggle.

If you would like, please feel free to stay in touch and let me know how things progress for both of you and please don't hesitate to write if I can be of any further assistance.

Even in your suffering, we pray that all of God’s blessings be upon you and your family this day and every day!

 

Fraternally in Christ,

Paul Rasavage

for the Serenellians Apostolate

and www.PornNoMore.com