onset, it is important to let you
know that you and your husband are both in our thoughts and prayers.
me to say that you are in the unfortunate company of countless wives
who share your situation, your frustration and your pain. Know from
the onset that the thoughts, hopes and prayers of all of the
Serenellians are with you and will continue to be with you and your
order for you to have a better understanding of the tremendous
physiological inner workings of this insidious addiction, please read
the following article by Dr. Judith Reisman -
Psychopharmacology of Pictorial Pornography"
first step in overcoming this addiction is for your husband to
acknowledge that he has a problem. As long as a person is in denial,
there is little else that can be done other than pray, submitting your
cause to Jesus, and entrusting your marriage and family to the
intercession of our Blessed Mother and the care of Saint Joseph.
of acting out for porn addicts vary across the spectrum and depend
upon the individual. These things really can't be predicted.
want to pray and work toward is for your husband to recognize and
admit that he has a problem and has decided that he wants to do
something about it, albeit imperfectly or weakly. Pray specifically
for this grace to grow in him and in you. Only when he starts to work
toward recovery, can healing in your marriage begin.
important to understand that in his current weakened state, you must
be the stronger partner.
Do take the
opportunity to discuss your situation with your priest or pastor. Do
not try to bear this burden alone. Remember, because of the hurt and
anger his actions have caused you to feel, you are in need of
counseling as well. Please seek this help insofar as you are able.
event that you don't feel comfortable in speaking with your own
pastor, try to set up an appointment with the pastor of another
parish, even in another diocese.
there do exist in your situation the appropriate rules governing
part, do not go into denial. This is important.
exposes you or your children to undue danger or harm, keep reminding
your husband, in a calm, loving but firm manner, that his involvement
with pornography is wrong, that it hurts you, that it causes a
division in your marriage and family. Yes, lay the guilt trip on him
as much as realistically possible. Tell him that no matter how much
he denies it, you will not turn a blind eye to his sinfulness -
because you love him and care for him. You don't want to see him
consumed and destroyed by this evil.
fight all of the devil's attempts to drive a wedge between you and
your husband. Heal and reconcile the rifts as soon as they begin to
form. Don't give the devil an opportunity to play on your pain and
God and trust in Him to rescue you both and He will.
reduces the power of lust is openness - exposure to the light.
By that I
mean the more your husband is open and frank with you in admitting his
weakness, his addiction, along with very frequent participation in the
Sacraments and Holy Mass, the weaker sin and evil become in its
influence over him. In short, evil hates the light. It flees from
it. The more this evil is confronted directly by honesty and a
sincere, combined effort of husband and wife, the more success you
your husband's position are powerless to overcome this alone.
surrender to God is the only way. That means surrender through self
denial. He must work to surrender each impure and illicit desire to
Christ crucified. Surrender each impure thought to the purity of
Mary. This conscious effort of surrender, that is, deflection of
satan's temptations, must become habitual and he must work hard at it
with much support and encouragement from you.
As I have
said, the wife in this situation must be the stronger partner, bearing
much more than your rightful share of the emotional and practical
burdens of a marriage that normally exist. Remember, he is weak and
needs you for support and encouragement. Avoid negativism as much as
possible and never, ever give up. Satan will attack you both with
doubt, despair and discouragement and failures, trying to make you
Be aware of
his tactics and counter them through prayer and a daily consecration
to the Sacred Heart of Jesus.
fight with all of your being both for your marriage and for the soul
of your husband.
in the best position to intercede for you is Saint Monica, mother of
Saint Augustine. Be faithful in sending many prayer requests,
petitions and Rosaries her way and she will certainly help you.
As a very
important first step, I urge you to purchase a copy of Rosemarie
Scott's book, "Clean
of Heart", which is available through a link on our
web site. This is a newly released work that provides a solid program
of daily spiritual and practical exercises intended to help
individuals overcome this addiction through rigorous prayer, self
examination and deepening spirituality.
discretionary first step, I strongly recommend that your husband
consider attending meetings of the local chapter of
Anonymous (SA). Contact information for SA is usually
listed in the phone book, and most pastors know who to contact. This
is a very worthwhile activity that I wholly endorse even though it
lacks the sacramental aspects necessary from a Catholic perspective.
Being faithful to the weekly meetings and the accountability therein
is very helpful, especially to the beginner, the addict who desires
healing and reconciliation but does not know where to begin.
consider the idea of sending your husband away for therapy, much
counseling should be had before embarking on such a path. Such
therapy programs should be coordinated with pastor and employer, if
possible, in the same manner as any substance addiction treatment
would be handled. Each of the program steps, activities, goals,
milestones must be well planned and understood by all parties well in
advance, and all under the auspices of the appropriate spiritual
that you, your husband and family will be in our daily thoughts and
God is with
both of you in your struggle.
would like, please feel free to stay in touch and let me know how
things progress for both of you and please don't hesitate to write if
I can be of any further assistance.
your suffering, we pray that all of Godís blessings be upon you and
your family this day and every day!