The Sacrament of Marriage - Made In Heaven

© 2005 Brutally Frank, Inc.

How many . . . couples truly understand the sacramental nature of matrimony, as a step to a higher level of holiness unique to the vocation of marriage, and are joyously assuming the duties and obligations thereof in offering themselves as vehicles by which both reach a new closeness with Christ?

Been to a good wedding lately? Hey, everyone loves a good wedding, but what about a good marriage? In my parish, every few Saturday Masses or so, there are couples who get up and renew their vows in celebration of a fortieth or fiftieth wedding anniversary. These couples are usually in their seventies, maybe their eighties. Now fully immersed in my forties, I have to wonder how much more infrequent and rare such celebrations are going to be when it's my generation that's hitting that age bracket.

Back when I first married in 1984, it was stated that the national divorce rate in general amounted to about fifty percent of marriages, but that, hearteningly, the divorce rate among Catholic marriages was only one-third. Sad to report, however, that in ensuing years, Catholic marriages have caught up with the national average. This, regrettably, included my own marriage. Yes, I'm one of the growing number of divorced Catholics, or, for those of you adhering to "political correctness," I'm counted among the matrimonially-impaired.

Just putting it matter-of-factly, I did enter into marriage with an informed and solemn appreciation for the sacrament of matrimony. The discernment with which I chose my supposedly lifelong mate, unfortunately, was lacking considerably at the time, much to my chagrin. Probably the highest ambition I held (and still do, truth be told) was to one day celebrate a fiftieth wedding anniversary. At this point, however, I'd have to live into my nineties in order to realize that dream, were I to blessed within a reasonable time with the grace of a marriage with someone sharing my love of our Faith and reverence for the sacraments. I wouldn't even dream of marrying someone not so disposed, and I came agonizingly close to having that dream come true before having an engagement ring returned to me a couple of years ago, months before our wedding, by probably the most holy and devoutly Catholic woman for whom I could possibly have prayed. Not the easiest thing in the world, living a life of faith, and sometimes the only avenue of loving open to some of us is to shoulder our burden and offer it up for the graces of healing for someone else.

Sadly, I'm likely not to be alone in not celebrating a fiftieth anniversary. While my own divorce is, I'm happy to say, the very rare exception among my family and circle of close friends, it's difficult to not hear something from time to time about someone with whom I'm acquainted going through a divorce. In the various activities in which I've been involved over the twenty-eight years I've been at my parish, there's many an evening I've found myself at church. Often I've seen the young couples going in for PreCana instruction, and I can't help but wonder to myself just how many of them actually get it. I don't mean get it as individuals. I'm sure there are couples in which either one or the other gets it, while the other is just along for the ride, either to please their prospective spouse, to please their parents, or for some other reason. What I mean is, how many of them as couples truly understand the sacramental nature of matrimony, as a step to a higher level of holiness unique to the vocation of marriage, and are joyously assuming the duties and obligations thereof in offering themselves as vehicles by which both reach a new closeness with Christ? For many couples, I'm afraid, or at least for one or the other half of the couple, PreCana is just one of those things that one has to do in order to qualify for the big, fancy wedding. Just show up, put in whatever minimum amount of time and effort is required, and soon it'll be over. Of more pressing concern, most likely, are things such as the right gown, flowers, multi-tiered cakes, caterers, etc. Hey, I'm a hopeless romantic (heavy emphasis on the hopeless, some might rightly charge), and all that stuff is great, but what's the point of all the trappings if the focus of the marriage fails to lock in on the sacramental aspect of matrimony, and Christ's full partnership in the marriage?

The bottom line is that sacramental marriage isn't a two-way street, it's an intersection at which two lives converge in Christ on the road to Heaven. The one and only model for a true, holy, Catholic marriage is the relationship between Christ and His bride, the Church. Conversely, a true, holy, Catholic marriage serves as a reflection of that relationship between Christ and His bride, a living beacon of faith to the faith community and to the world as a whole. As St. Luke wrote in his gospel, Jesus said, "No one lights a lamp and puts it under a bushel basket or under a bed; he puts it on a lampstand so that whoever comes can see it." No better means is available to us to shine the Lord's light than to live a life together reflective of Jesus' sacrificial love for His bride.

The sacrificial love of Christ that shines forth from the marriage of two truly faith-filled people is also the compelling reason why Catholic weddings are traditionally celebrated during the Mass, as they should be. Just as a couple joins with Christ in the covenant that is marriage, so too was Christ forever joined with the Church through His sacrifice on the Cross, the sacrifice that we celebrate in the Mass. At the altar, the couple dies unto themselves as individuals, "so that they are no longer two, but one flesh." They go from two individual lives to one life as a couple in communion with Christ. The Mass, therefore, the ultimate prayer and celebration of Christ's Eucharistic sacrifice, is the proper means by which a couple should enter into a matrimonial covenant of sacrificial love with Jesus.

God works in mysterious and wonderful ways, poignantly so in the corporeal manifestation of the two becoming one flesh. Sexuality and the physical intimacy of conjugal love is a grace and a gift bestowed by God unto married couples, and exists for the God-ordained reasons of being for the good of the husband and wife, for their increased holiness, and for the transmission and perpetuation of life. This giving of one's self to the other through the sacred act of love is a sign of spiritual communion, made all the more sacred by the miracle of procreation with which God blesses us as well. This is also why a couple's adherence to Church teaching with regard to being open to partnership with God in creating life is so crucial to the health of a marriage. The trust of a couple in fully opening their marriage to God's will and providence is a sine qua non to a truly Catholic marriage.

Another side of the sacrament of matrimony that should be given considerable weight is that during a wedding and Mass, priceless graces are bestowed on a couple by the Holy Spirit, and should be fully expected by the couple. Again, how many couples are truly taking this, any of this, into consideration on their wedding day or the period leading up to it? How many are consciously consecrating their marriage to Jesus and His Sacred Heart and to our Blessed Mother and her Immaculate Heart, asking for her intercession to ensure the sanctity of their marriage? How many are aware of the active presence of the Holy Spirit in their new life, and are relying on Him for the graces so very necessary for a holy marriage, a blessed family, and a Christ-centered home? To be sure, there are challenges to even the best of marriages.

The book, An Exorcist Tells His Story, by Father Gabriele Amorth, the chief exorcist of the Holy See, states that "the evil one" seeks to destroy marriages. It's the truly holy marriages that the Devil would least like to see take place and succeed, thus it's crucial for a couple to shield such a treasure by living a Catholic marriage, regularly joining in the celebration of Mass and receiving the Eucharist together, praying together, especially the Rosary, filling themselves with God's Word together, and being that lamp of faith set on a lampstand for all to see.

Such oneness in Christ will ensure, regardless of what may come, that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that can possibly prevail against and put asunder a matrimonial covenant entered into with Christ.

No Room for Pornography in Marriage

© 2004 Brutally Frank, Inc.

“. . . it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants. It is a grave offense.”

                                                                             Catechism of the Catholic Church , 2354

I hear regularly, “Why do you bother defending marriage when you’re not even married?” I don’t know, maybe it’s a matter of “those who can’t do - teach “ (or consult , as it were, in the business world). I’m not a priest, but I ferociously defend the priesthood. I’m 42 years beyond in utero status, but I’m a committed defender of the unborn. Whatever the case, insights are insights, and they usually come from observation, which, when done with some discernment through eyes of faith, oftentimes prove valuable.

One such observation comes from years of being exposed to a good deal of less-than-discreet talk in the workplace, in locker rooms, and other venues. Nothing, it seems, is sacred these days, including marriages, judging from what people are willing to allow into their relationships. We’re not just talking about marriages in general here, but seemingly “Catholic” marriages as well. Bad enough that adultery afflicts some Catholic marriages, and that artificial birth control is welcomed into far too many sacramental covenants. When pornography, too, is included in a conjugal relationship between a husband and wife, it brings with it consequences as potentially destructive to a marriage as any other alien interloper. I’m personally aware of two marriages which ended in large part because of pornography.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church (2354) condemns pornography as “a grave offense . . . because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants.” The consequences of pornography are, in fact, contrary to the many blessings that God wills for us through His gift of the sacrament of matrimony. “Marriage,” declares the Catechism (1609), “helps to overcome self-absorption, egoism, pursuit of one’s own pleasure, and to open oneself to the other, to mutual aid and to self-giving.” Nothing can more clearly exemplify self-absorption, egoism, and self-pleasure than one’s willingness to make vulnerable one’s marriage to the evils of pornography.

So why is pornography allowed to intrude into a marriage? For those of us thus far not blessed with marriage, we might phrase it in terms of What were you thinking? I’d liken it to living in a desert and watching someone living alongside a beautiful stream but using it as a toilet. While one spouse might initiate its inclusion, suggesting pornography as an “enhancement” to a couple’s sex life, both spouses are culpable. One spouse cannot initiate that to which the other does not agree. Late night commercials for pornographic video stores, which also advertise other prurient accoutrement among their wares, are obvious in their targeting of couples as a market. The fact that so much money is expended on such expensive marketing efforts makes evident that such a market exists, and is indeed thriving.

For the truly serious couple, devoted to each other, to their vows, and to the higher level of holiness into which they entered with Christ at the altar, God provides everything necessary for a blessed and happy conjugal life. “God who created man out of love,” states the Catechism (1604-1605), “also calls him to love - the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being. Since God created him man and woman, their mutual love becomes an image of the absolute and unfailing love with which God loves man. Man and woman were created for each other: it is not good that the man should be alone.” Thus, with everything necessary to pure conjugal love being bestowed by Christ through His Holy Spirit in the graces received at the altar, any alien interloper or entity allowed to intrude into the conjugal relationship only serves to adulterate and pollute what should be a pure reflection of Christ’s love for His bride the Church. What should be “of God” should be zealously defended against influences of this world, lest they become worldly and pass away with this world in its time rather than last forever, as do all things that are of God.

(Frank Shannon is a member of the Catholic Press Association and has been published in a number of Catholic publications across the country.)